Tag Archives: Depression

Goodnight

Half closed eyes at the last part of night saw the familiar room. Khalid had slept staring at the ceiling with dimmed lights. The day hadn’t dawned outside neither was Khalid a morning bird. He could feel uneasiness in his sleep. Maybe it was the room that he was given at a colleague’s house for night stay as he couldn’t travel further on his journey before morning. The earliest bus moved out for Lahore at 7 am. Sarim, his colleague who belonged to Sargodha, asked him to stay at his home for night and travel in the morning. Khalid half-heartedly had accepted the offer as he too was tired and was yearning for a home made meal. The room given to him was comfortable with a bed and couple of chairs aside. White marble floor was neat and a simple clock ticked on the wall. Sarim left Khalid early in the room so he could get some rest. Left alone, Khalid laid back. He was tired but had to change in nightsuit before sleeping. He didn’t want to change. Yet he made a quick movement to relief himself of the shirt and trousers. The PJs were comfy but his movement had taken away the comfort of preslumber. He was wide awake. It was almost a daily ritual which he despised. It wasn’t insomnia nor were his thoughts haywire. He just uncomfortable closing his eyes. The slightest sound woke him up. The room had become familiar by now. All the comfort that it offered couldn’t help him find the perfect sleep. Yet in between he slept and now in between the broken patterns of sleep his half open eyes were trying to close to find a sound sleep. Right at the moment in one of the chairs the figure of a man appeared in the same shirt and trousers that he had taken off earlier. Khalid closed his eyes firmly. Opening them again he saw man in the chair again. He looked at the ceiling and let out a gasp.
‘Not today.’
‘Why not?’ asked the man in the chair while leaning forward.
Khalid still stared at the ceiling, ignoring his ghostly roommate’s attention towards his body lying flat on the bed. He moved his lips lazily, ‘because there’s absolutely no use.’
‘How can you say that without even looking at me? Do you know who I am?’
‘I don’t need to look at someone who wears my clothes to disguise itself from reality.’
‘It?’
‘I thought a pronoun might not hurt you.’ a faint smirk appeared on his face and disappeared. He still stared at the ceiling.
‘Khalid…Khalid! My dear boy! How will you ever fear someone.’ The Man got up from the chair and walked towards his bed. The heels of his polished laced shoes were silent on the floor. Khalid could see them without taking his eyes away from the ceiling. He remembered the dress well.
Sitting beside his feet the man spoke in the impeccable grace of speech that he had maintained till now, ‘Preach what you want to. I’m here to hear you.’
‘Im not amongst the ones who are given respect from the place where you sit right now. You can find a lord to preach somewhere else.’ Khalid closed his eyes.
The man now moved towards his headrest, ‘Would you wake up today or do you want me to stay?’
Khalid was silent now.
The deft ghostly hands moved hovered over his body. ‘Ah! You still won’t let me touch you.’
‘So many have come and gone. Let me see your steadiness.’ Khalid’s body rose and his eyes opened wide now. He could see his face in his clothes sitting in his bed. ‘Now I look into your eyes but I don’t need to know you. I will know you when you are ready to tear me apart. Come when you are steady.’
With a blink of an eye the figure started evaporating in front of khalid’s eyes. A cloud of smoke blew out of the shirt’s collar and mixed with air in the room.
….
Khalid’s eye’s were still half open. Dawn was near at door. His body was sweating. It was another night wasted. He got up and grabbed the clothes lying over him.
‘Atleast have the courtesy of putting back my clothes in the changing room if you can’t stay long.’ he murmured and walked away to get ready for another day outside.

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Leaves

A leaf swigs every droplet but burns with thirst for the last one one resting below on the shard of grass. Have you seen a falling leaf as it breaks free? When it gives itself into the hands of morning breeze that makes it pure by cleaning off all the droplets resting upon it. As the leaf touches the ground and prepares to hold the last drop into it’s embrace, a shoe tramples it and makes it filthy again. The first and last kiss from the drop makes it all worth it for the leaf. The worth diminishes though as it is raked along the dead leaves. It cherishes the ecstatic death only to realize later that it’s thrown back into the same pit, the same cycle. Even love is an illusion and so is success. The end is to come and it is ‘the end’ no matter how much glorified it is. Every cause worth fighting for will be forgotten, a thousand years from now. Every pain worth crying for will fade as the mind gets bored and looks for a new pain. Every beloved droplet, worth dying for, will lose its purity after life parts ways and lose earth would trample upon the lover. Come let me make you a drink while you sit beside me holding hands, watching all the falling leaves until there’s no dew left worth dying for. Maybe the leaves won’t take birth as there’s no more dew left to give them the pain of droplets. I want to see that void with you by my side. I want to see you watch me fall in love with that void and then being pushed off to my last. When you witness that, do remember every moment that unfolds. Start from where I leave as I started from where left the leaf. Let this cycle go on till eternity. Then you would have the answer to whether the leaf’s death was worth it or a mere pity.

Child Labour

Ring ring the poor girl dies

Surprise me if an onlooker tries

Death as if the lil one fell asleep

Right where her broom used to sweep

Would someone embrace her now

In life not but in her last vow

So little but wanted to see it clean

Yet the stains on her clothes go unseen

Don’t be mistaken by the innocence

In her sleep, death, might you sense

Ring ring the poor girl dies

Surprise me if an onlooker tries

Words from Prison

Dear,

This writing shall not replace the cold slabs under my stiff buttocks though it won’t make my indifference colder. Here we have a competition between stone and a man’s perseverance. You must have heard about ice over oceans which gets harder against harsh winters. These slabs are water and I’m the ice. I don’t know when this winter of my confinement will end but I won’t break until the end. This irks them the most. They are mere officials who follow commands. Hard working young men, trying to break me everyday but failing. I hate to see them exhausted and angered when they throw me in this isolated cell for revolting with my silence. They are not at fault. They exist in the same whirlpool that keeps me confined and makes them watch over me, where in the vortex I dance with the victim.

Are you the victim, love of my life? I might be a loathed rapist but the implications have made me a thinker and transformed thought into word. What a wonderful experience it is to be disgusted in courts and public and papers as a perpetuator of beastiality. Prison is the only place that harbours beasts and these inmates respect me in the most heinous ways. I don’t stay with them because I’m not one of them but they don’t know. No one knows that but me and you darling. I can taste blood in the corners of my mouth from yesterday’s punch by the prison warden. My bones creak under the flurry of batons. But I sit alone, in the calm,  memorising these words to write them on a paper until I’m provided with one. I see you in the dark. I see ‘Me’. You are the best con of my life but I’m the artist this world doesn’t dare to see.  I’m coming! And I would love to see the look in your eyes when you see me. You won’t be scared I know, but the look of defeat in your eyes and impatience for the next plan to throw me back would be my ecstasy. I’m coming! Alive? I don’t know but life has never been a medium for me. Just a life imprisonment more and I will be there. You know what I would have become by then. You out of all the people know that well. Convey it to whom it concerns. Prepare yourself before I put these words on the first paper I find. Prepare yourself for I’m coming!
Yours