I have not lived in reveries since you left, yet there have been instances when I think of the time when your presence danced around me. I could have felt you for life if you would have been a bit more manly when we parted. Let me tell you that this letter is not to remind me of a desolated state that you left me in, neither does it entreat you to come back to me. These things don’t mean much to me now.
I’m happy to have everything I yearned for. I told you about my husband when I didn’t know him much and you had your apprehensions about him. Well, let me tell you now that he is a man of character and honor. I know these traits are unique for you as you were never bestowed with them. There hasn’t been a day that he cared less for me when I needed. Love now has a new meaning for me. Last night he held my hand and told me that he would choose me in next thousand lifetimes if that choice ever comes to him.
Sometimes after my chores I look outside the window towards an invisible dream, far far away and a slight hint of you passes by. I have a shoulder to rest my head and arms to take me in warmth. I don’t know whether it’s odd or awkward when I feel you over his shoulder.
I have stopped shedding tears over you as you had always disliked me crying this way but what did I have except for asking you to stop? In those years of my existence you were my everything. I fought with God for you and you promised to do the same but today here I am peeling my skin of the fingers, burying my nails aimlessly and this too doesn’t give me pain.
I thought of ending my life once and now I laugh at it. I have lived in these dark corners and have nurtured my love for them. Have you ever thought of being me and going to bed every night with a man who is not you but loves me more than you. Isn’t it ironic how I keep you guessing. You would be so happy to see that I’m happy and I moved on or you would laugh at my feelings and consider them fake when you think of my husband but I know that somewhere in your heart you would push aside all the thoughts and care for me still.
If I would have taken my life that night, you would have done the same maybe for my love or to save yourself from the humiliation but I didn’t want to make things easy for us. It’s a feeling that I wanted you to feel. I havent put a looking mirror in my handbag for a long time now because even dressing up and loving is monotonous.
He’s here and I love to cook for him and hum at my songs, feed a few birds and water my flowers. I read a lot now but only the softer reads as the previous ones rejunavate inside me the dead soul of a strong woman. I chat all day with women who are common and have accepted the fact of being housewives. I tried to teach them ideas to grow out of their condition but they always smiled and now after all these years I wear the same smile on my face and look upon this new girl in the neighbourhood.
I have accepted life. A life without you. I wonder if you would have fought the world to chose me even then, maybe, we would have been this way. The mediocre people. We would have exhausted our ideas and given ourselves to the plabeian thoughts that we are meant to think. Sometimes I wonder maybe it was worth trying but when I look upon it, I feel that even you couldn’t have given me what you promised. All the love in this world and all the caressing can’t change the smile that I wear now. Not even you, not even me.